The decade or so when FBW was in my life was the most transformative period of my life. Hardly a day goes by when something he said to me doesn’t pop into my head when I need to hear it. Here are ten of the life rules Frank lived by.
ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL
Frank loved women. He loved young women and old ones, too, including a certain elderly Mrs. D., a Gloria Swanson look-alike who became my arch nemesis. He loved them fat and he loved them thin. He loved the way they smelled. He loved them when they were married to other men and he was a pretty good sport about feminine indiscretions too. I never felt I was pretty enough to be the sixth Mrs. FBW (the seventh depending on how you count the one he married twice). But I did think he considered me beautiful.
NEVER THROW A GOLF CLUB
According to FBW, golf is a gentleman’s sport and just about anything you need to know about life can be learned playing golf. One time I got mad and threw a club. The icy stare I met when I climbed back into the golf cart is a memory that still sends chills up my spine. “Dar-ling,” Frank drawled. “If I ever see you throw another club, you will never play this game again.” I understood immediately. Only people of low moral character were bad sports. I also learned what,”Take dead aim,” means and I try to do that every day. And, “Play your own game,” which is a good thing to remember when trying a case. And, “Swing within yourself.” And never be late for a tee-time. And don’t pout when you’re not playing well and ruin the day for everyone else. Let faster players play through. Be a scrupulous scorekeeper. And don’t lick your balls. See? What else do you need to know about life?
HOW TO ACCEPT AN APOLOGY
Say this: Apology accepted. Then, move on.
HOW TO PALM A CROAKER
Always, and I mean always, have at least one one hundred dollar bill in your purse. When you have been treated like royalty by someone in the service industry, or if you want to be, have the croaker folded in the palm of your right hand. Extend said hand and make eye contact with the beneficiary. The target will grasp your hand and the bill will magically transfer from one palm to the other. This art has become particularly useful during my travels in Jamaica. And if you need to telegraph this concept of reciprocity to someone in a position of authority, a Jamaican customs agent, for example, let him know that if he will “take care of you,” that you will “take care of him,” also. Generosity breeds generosity and knowing this makes dining out soooo much more civilized.
PAY YOUR GAMBLING DEBTS
If you have to be in debt to someone, it should be a faceless entity (like the IRS). But always pay those little bets on the golf course no matter how insignificant they may seem. And always offer to treat when dining with friends. It’s a matter of honor.
WHAT TO SAY WHEN A FRIEND ASKS IF YOU WILL DO HER A FAVOR
Say, ‘Yes.” This is a yes or no question and the answer is yes. Your friend can tell you what the favor is after you have agreed to do it.
DON'T DISCUSS IMPORTANT ISSUES WHEN YOU HAVE HAD A DRINK
If you have had a drinkie-poo, or two, don’t talk to your lawyer. Don’t answer questions. And don’t be drawn into a fight with your spouse. Just shut up and go to bed.
DON'T SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT YOUR EX
You married that person and you loved him. So what does it say about you if you talk trash about him?
A BYE IS A WIN
Sometimes you get lucky. Be happy about that.
**** 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE
Sometimes you feel like you have done something so stupid or wrong that no one will ever forget it. You messed up and you can’t make it right. You can dwell on your inadequacies and beat yourself up until you feel utterly useless and demoralized. Or you can hold up your head and brazen your way through it and eventually things will get better. Just don’t make that mistake again.
